I usually try to keep our blog very shiny and happy, full of projects, adventures and the yummy, beautiful side of life. I’m super hesitant to share this post, but I know a big part of why I blog is to feel connected, to share my life and to document it with honesty. Over the past year I have found a lot of comfort in reading stories similar to ours and realizing we are not alone and that what I am feeling is normal. I don’t mean to be sad or depressing, but I do hope that someday someone will find comfort in knowing that I have felt a little bit of what they are going through. One reason I’m hesitant is because I know there are many many families who have it so much worse than we do, but if this experience has taught me nothing else it’s that pain is pain. If you are hurting you deserve to be heard and loved no matter how large or small the trial.
While Christmas morning came with wonder, magic and excitement for so many I woke up with a hole in my heart. A big hole. Now don’t get me wrong we had an amazing holiday and are so blessed, but what horrific timing I have! Cramping started Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning we were well into our second miscarriage. Miscarriages are painful in so many ways, don’t be fooled into thinking it’s just another period. Miscarriages are painful! The rest of our holiday was spent with me either in considerable pain or a little crazy from the meds, I’m not sure which is worse. We had just traveled from Texas to California, binkies wrapped ready to be the best Christmas surprise ever! We weren’t very far along, but our due date was right in the middle of a big family reunion and we knew we needed to let everyone know we would not be making it. So much anticipation, so much excitement. We had been trying to heal from the first loss, waiting and praying for so long we just could not wait to share the news. Such a crushing blow. How could this be happening to us again? We tried really hard to hide the tears and trials as we tried to soak up the family and enjoy the season, but it’s hard and I’m sure they could tell.
Last March, the first time around, I felt like I grew a lot. I felt that I learned so much about compassion, loving, trials and pain. I really felt equipped to be a better person because of what I had experienced. I kicked up my healthy habits, did a lot of reading up on parenting and was feeling really ready to try again. Maybe it’s still too fresh, but this time around I’m really struggling to find a reason or figure out what it is I’m supposed to learn.
So I’m trying to think back and recall what helped me recover last time. Maybe if you or someone you know has to endure this trial some of the things that helped me might help you. I know as much as I thought talking about it would cause more pain sharing really helped last time so I’m trying to be really open to conversation this time. I buried myself in projects and distractions, I read like crazy last time. I picked non-baby projects and books that were very light-hearted and happy. I know on one hand the distractions took over a little, but I also think it was nice to have something other than baby names and nursery decor to think about. You may recall the “patience” quilt, an upholstered chair, tons of spring decor and new diabetes gadgets. All of which were attempts at distractions. This weekend there have already been shelf installations, curtain sewing, file cabinet clean out and lots of new recipes and a new skirt in the works. It may seem silly, but distractions helped me. Avoiding things like baby showers and grocery stores helped too. It still amazes me how the emotion can strike up at any moment and I seem to have a lot of those moments in stores where mothers lose their patience with their children. I know without a doubt I will be the exact same way some day, but it’s all I can do to not shake these women and shout “Do you understand how lucky you are!” I’m sure that they do and I’m sure I will lose my patience too, but oh how desperate I am to have the chance to. I also have realized that a variety of dates bring up the pain again. Oct. 18th (our 1st due date) was hard and I’m sure July will be too. Try to remember that grieving and healing is a process, it’s not a once and done deal.
Probably the most helpful thing for me was having such thoughtful, loving, serving family, friends and neighbors. We had many tender mercies come from friends who didn’t even know what we were going through, but followed a prompting and blessed our lives. My best advice for helping someone get through a trial is not to push, grieving takes time and is different for everyone. Allow yourself, or your friend to cry, allow them to talk when they want and try to just listen. We had several comments made to us that I’m sure were meant to help, but ended up coming out hurtful. No matter how far along someone is when they lose a baby saying, “oh, it was just a few hundred cells at that point” is not the right thing to say! (true story!). For us from the moment we found out we were pregnant that baby had a future, we had dreams for it and were already totally in love. The most supportive moments for me involved listening ears, big hugs and people who allowed me to grieve and didn’t judge me for it.
I really hope that none of my sweet friends or family ever have to go through this experience, but if you do I hope you can turn to the Lord and your friends and family for support. I found these two blog posts (shared with me by my sweet friend Camille) to be very helpful and comforting: How to Cope and Unnamed. The first gives great advice for dealing with grief and helping others. The second very beautifully describes a lot of the feelings I’ve struggled to communicate above. They are both good reads. I’m very glad they were shared with me.
So we are somewhat glad that 2011 is over. We are ready to move on and want so desperately to find a little one in our arms soon. Here’s hoping for a more productive 2012!
